I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
