I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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