I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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