I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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