I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
