Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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