Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
