Sry I called you an 8
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
