My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
