I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
