Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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