you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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