I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
