I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
