ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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