Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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