whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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