my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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