I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
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