Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
being pregnant is like rehab
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
