You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
