A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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