My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
