Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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