How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
being pregnant is like rehab
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
