Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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