Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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