If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
