just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
