You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
