trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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