I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
