You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
