last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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