i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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