what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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