We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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