The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
