I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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