Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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