You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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