turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
