i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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