Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
