saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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