i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
