Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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