I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
