I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
