ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize