Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
