how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
