ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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