what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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