My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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