I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
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