Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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