I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
