I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
