yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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